Mike Prisuta: Tough to Watch

Mike Prisuta
PITTSBURGH TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Tuesday, May 9, 2006

When the Pirates begin another homestand tonight, Billy Gardell will be watching from three time zones away thanks to the magic of DirecTV.

He'll also will be repeatedly throwing his pillbox Pirates cap on the floor in disgust if things continue against Arizona as they have throughout much of this 9-24 disaster.

"They say smoking takes 10 years off your life," Gardell said. "Try being a Pirates fan."

Gardell, a Swissvale native, has remained obsessive in his support of the Pirates, Penguins and Steelers, despite spending 15 years on the stand-up comedy circuit and compiling a television resume that includes "Yes, Dear," "Lucky," "The Practice," "The Dennis Miller Show" and "The Heist."

At 37, Gardell remains much more Swissvale than SoCal, even if his career has taken him to the Left Coast.

And like Michael Keaton, the guy who upstaged the home opener with his "Write A Check" declaration, Gardell has become frustrated from afar with the Pirates' inability to compete.

In the past, he's channeled that frustration into his act. One of Gardell's signature bits examines the dangers of certain trigger words or phrases.

"Whatever you do, don't mention Sid Bream," Gardell will warn a local audience.

The laughter that erupts eases his pain, but only slightly.

"That's completely me," he said. "Every time (Barry) Bonds hits a home run, I think I lose some hair."

Like many Pirates fans, Gardell has had it with the perpetual losing.

"I wouldn't be so frustrated if I didn't love 'em so much," he said. "I'm cursed and have been ever since the days of Bob Prince.

"My grandmother used to makes us sit on the back porch and listen to the radio. She always said, 'If you can follow the game on the radio, you'll have a good attention span later in life.'

"She used to get us out of school to take us to Three Rivers Stadium. Can you believe that? My grandmother let me cut school to see a doubleheader against the Phillies. Now, I'm not so sure I wouldn't stay in school."

In reality, Gardell would do no such thing.

His 3-year old son, Will, was named in honor of Willie Stargell.

He catches the Pirates at Dodger Stadium -- the only time he's "ever at Dodger Stadium" -- and on the road whenever their itineraries intersect.

And he plans to be at PNC Park for games against the Astros and Cubs when he returns to work The Improv in late August.

"That's how sick I am," Gardell said. "I know their schedule that far in advance."

That's as die-hard as it gets.

Still, he's not taking this latest capitulation lying down.

"I'm writing DirecTV a letter," Gardell said. "I want a refund on that baseball package.

"I mean, if they don't win 20 games, there ought to be a rule or something."

Mike Prisuta is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review.