By Gene Collier, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
http://www.post-gazette.com/sports/
PITTSBURGH, PA - JANUARY 05: Evgeni Malkin scores past Dwayne Roloson of the Tampa Bay Lightning on January 5, 2011 at Consol Energy Center in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)This time last winter, before becoming the youngest coach in the National Hockey League, Guy Boucher was chilling himself behind the bench of the AHL's Hamilton Bulldogs, and though that's certainly no nightmare in itself, it likely devolves into some restless sleep.
Maybe there are night sweats around hypothetical dreams like, "What if I finally get to coach in the NHL, and I'm coaching against the Penguins in Pittsburgh some night, but the guys I'm sending over the boards are still the Hamilton Bulldogs?"
Wednesday night uptown, Boucher lived that twisted dream, or something frighteningly close to it. I mean those were the Hamilton Bulldogs, weren't they, because the Tampa Bay Lightning does not play hockey like the zombies in white sweaters eating the flesh right off what should have been a highly compelling matchup.
"You knew it was going to be a weird game," said Lightning flash Steven Stamkos, the best young talent in the game not named Sidney Crosby, "when we won the [opening] draw, and they scored off it."
You knew it was going to really weird when the two Lightning goaltenders who had allowed only two goals total over portions of the club's previous four games, two goals in the previous 183 minutes, 43 seconds to be precise, suddenly yielded four goals inside eight minutes, and to that rarest of ornithological phenomenon: the Penguin stampede.
And it could have been worse.
In the game's first 12 minutes, the Penguins not only scored four times (the first goal coming seven seconds after the puck fell), but Chris Conner also hit two posts and Crosby found himself sailing right down Broadway behind Victor Hedman yet somehow became the only Penguin unable to put one past Lightning starter Dwayne Roloson.
It could have been 7-0 after one period.
After two, it was.
PITTSBURGH, PA - JANUARY 05: Chris Kunitz #14 of the Pittsburgh Penguins celebrates his first period goal with Brooks Orpik #44 and Pascal Dupuis #9 against the Tampa Bay Lightning on January 5, 2011 at Consol Energy Center in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)The Penguins essentially took a potentially post-Classic winter classic and made it a frolic against one of the best teams on this side of the conference divide, hammering out an 8-1 victory to end the season's arithmetic first half.
But how do you get 8-1 from this set of circumstances?
In the building on this night were seven players who were taken first or second overall in the draft (Crosby, Hedman, Stamkos, Vincent Lecavalier, Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin and Jordan Staal). In the building were the NHL's top three scorers (Crosby, Stamkos, and Martin St. Louis). In the building were the NHL's top two goal scorers (Crosby and Stamkos), the top two in total points (Crosby and Stamkos) and the top two in power-play goals (Stamkos and Crosby).
It was like expecting a seven-course meal centered around a mouth-watering chateaubriand and getting handed a half gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
No complaints, obviously, but what happened to the, uh, hockey game?
Mostly the Penguins happened. Frustrated by a couple of losses in a row, particularly the one that was the subject of HBO's glowing 24/7 series, Dan Bylsma's club produced a dominant-from-the-outset performance like nothing produced by a Pittsburgh team since, well, Sunday in Cleveland, but that's another sport entirely.
But just as plainly, this was a case of common NHL back trouble, specifically back-to-back trouble, the strain where a team forced to play a road night game the night after a road night game plays it like it would rather be back at the hotel watching Cougar Town.
"They had more time to prepare, but I thought we were ready," Stamkos said. "I know a lot of emotions were spilled out on the ice last night but that's no excuse for this."
The Lightning were in Washington Tuesday night where Roloson hung a 1-0 shutout on the Winter Classic champion Capitals, but 24 hours later, he and Dan Ellis couldn't stop a volleyball between them.
All you needed to see to gauge Tampa Bay's interest in its Wedneasday night appointment was the Penguins' third goal, which came off the stick of Tyler Kennedy at 7:17 of the first period. Kennedy skated from the neutral zone down the left wing without apparent malice, went to his right with the approximate turning radius of a PAT bus, and floated into the high slot without impediment. He slid toward the right dot -- still no traffic! -- and fired at will.
But if that were merely symptomatic of what ailed the Lightning, Stamkos' embarrassing penalty shot was totally emblematic.
Awarded a free try when Ben Lovejoy tripped him on the way to Fleury at 3:37 of the second, Stamkos swept up the puck at center and went left inside the blue line.
Then he just fell on the ice, not like a septuagenarian taking out the trash, but not unlike it, either.
"The last thing you think to check is your skate," he said, trying to explain. "I checked my stick, but it turned out my right skate had no edge. I probably had enough time to get up, but I couldn't it. It was -- what? -- 5-0 at the time. Maybe it would have got us going. Nothing you can do about it, but I mean it sucked."
So Stamkos, rather than battle Crosby for the scoring lead in a rare head-to-head opportunity, slid on his butt into the Verizon logo behind the goal line.
Sigh.
Pass the cookie dough.
Gene Collier: gcollier@post-gazette.com.
Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/11006/1115965-61.stm#ixzz1AGFEx1vq
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