What if fans owned the Steelers?

By Joe Starkey
PITTSBURGH TRIBUNE-REVIEW
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/
Sunday, July 20, 2008

Too bad the people couldn't step in and solve this Steelers ownership dilemma.

The NFL prohibits public ownership of a team -- the Green Bay Packers being the lone, grandfathered-in exception -- but wouldn't it be something to see the hardest of hard-core Steelers fanatics running the franchise?

I'm talking about the gray-haired adults who roam the parking lots drunk at 9 a.m., decked in full football regalia and knocking back kielbasa links like Skittles.

Can you imagine?

We, the people of Stillers Nation, in order to form a more perfect franchise, establish AFC North supremacy, ensure free beer and no domestic tranquility whatsoever, provide for the Steel Curtain defense, promote general mayhem and secure the Vince Lombardi Trophy every single year for ourselves and our posteriors, er, posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Pix-burgh Stillers 'n at.

Here is our 40-part mission statement:

40. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

39. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

38. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

37. We shall tear down Heinz Field and rebuild Three Rivers Stadium.

36. We shall provide free beer at Three Rivers Stadium.

35. We shall change the name of the Coca-Cola Great Hall to the IC Light Great Hall.

34. We shall hire Chuck Noll as head coach.

33. We shall hire Terry Bradshaw as quarterbacks coach.

32. We shall hire Lynn Swann and John Stallworth as wide receivers coaches.

31. We shall revert to the beloved block numerals on players' jerseys.

30. We shall petition the NFL to send the Baltimore Ravens back to Cleveland so we can beat the Browns four times a year.

29. We shall hire Greg Lloyd as head of community relations.

28. Donnie Iris shall sing the national anthem.

27. We shall not run scoreboard replays of the game in progress but rather a continuous loop of the Immaculate Reception.

26. We shall hire Franco Harris as running backs coach.

25. We shall overcome.

24. We shall hire Roy Gerela as kicking coach.

23. We shall hire Mean Joe Greene as defensive line coach.

22. We shall petition the NFL to allow us to gamble at the new North Side casino (Hey, they allowed the Rooneys to have gambling interests all these years; why not us?)

21. We shall hire Joey Porter as White House liaison.

20. We shall beat the living snot out of Steely McBeam and bar him from the stadium.

19. We shall invite Cliff Stoudt to a December game and pelt him with snowballs.

18. We shall hire Jack Lambert as linebackers coach (he shall moonlight as the office linebacker and deck unsuspecting slackers all day long).

17. We shall hire James Harrison as director of on-field security.

16. We shall declare the entire Downtown area a parking lot. Tailgate parties shall commence on Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m. and continue until, um, the following Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m.

15. Halftime festivities shall periodically include a ceremonial burning of the resident offensive coordinator.

14. We shall petition the NFL to make the New England Patriots give us two of their Super Bowl rings.

13. We shall hire Mel Blount as secondary coach.

12. We shall offer a Sunday morning church service, at which we shall fervently pray to Ben Roethlisberger.

11. We shall not have Bobblehead Dolls but Voodoo Dolls, in the likenesses of Jerry Glanville, John Madden, Al Davis, Kordell Stewart and Neil O'Donnell.

10. We shall petition the NFL to enshrine every member of the '70's Steelers -- including Jack Deloplaine and Ernest Pough -- into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

9. Rocky Bleier shall deliver a motivational speech before every game.

8. We shall not provide sprinklers at training camp but hire Bill Cowher to shower fans with spittle all day.

7. We shall hire Tommy Maddox as trash collector.

6. We shall expunge any record of having drafted Huey Richardson, Troy Edwards, Tim Worley and Jamain Stephens.

5. We shall replace our stadium's turf with a replica of the Terrible Towel (talk about terrible turf) and dispense transistor radios that play nothing but Myron Cope-isms.

4. We shall hire Bennie Cunningham as tight ends coach.

3. Smoking shall be encouraged in all parts of the stadium.

2. We shall allow fans to reserve parking spots with lawn chairs.

1. Did we mention free beer?


Joe Starkey is a sports writer for the Tribune-Review. He can be reached at jstarkey@tribweb.com.